Getting “closure" from your ex- is not important.
I know, I know. I’ve been there. I know you’re screaming in your head that you “NEED TO UNDERSTAND BETTER WHAT HAPPENED."
Maybe a “closure talk" can be helpful for you in your personal development, maybe it’s worthless.
But what’s clear is that it isn’t the most important thing you need after you’ve been dumped.
You need to focus on yourself. Everything is about YOU. YOUR pain, YOUR healing, YOUR recovery.
By making “closure" so important, you give back the focus – and the power – too much to your ex-. It might be helpful to speak a few days or weeks after the breakup in order to learn what your ex- “really thought", but be honest with yourself: is there anything s/he is going to say that matters for your future?
Your ex- broke up with you. S/he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s the only fact that matters. All the reasons in the world that they give you won’t change that. You need to focus only on YOU and YOUR future.
It’s hard to accept, but you have to face the reality: not all your questions will ever be answered. You will never really know everything you want to know.
But it doesn’t matter.
Think about it. You know how the relationship was. You know your ex-. You know what happened. You know what the ex- said when s/he broke up. You don’t need any more in order to move forward with your life.
It doesn’t matter.
The goal is
to accept & move on
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from the thousands of breakup stories I've read since creating this site is to not obsess about the ex- and the relationship because it never, never, never will help you heal and move on.
Repeat it over and over and over: it doesn’t matter. Ask yourself what you’re going to get out of a “closure talk" that will really help you.
By trying to get “reasons" from a “closure", you elevate the ex- to a position s/he shouldn’t be in: the judge of your character.
You’re grieving, you’re hurt, you’ve been rejected. You really aren’t going to be helped by hearing your ex- delicately – or brutally - explaining why you aren’t good enough for him/her.
No reason from your ex- at this point will help: either it will drive you crazy, or you’ll disagree and try to fight pointlessly, or you won’t believe it, or it could rip you apart even more.
And you don't want to be reduced to a position of pleading.
You will always have
And in many cases, the ex- might not even tell you the full truth; after all, s/he feels massive guilt, doesn’t want to hurt you more, probably hates to even have to talk to you about it and hear your pain, and the last thing s/he wants to do is present a detailed explanation of all the reasons for the decision to break up.
So I really don’t recommend trying. I’ve seen dozens of “closure" conversations described by posters that turned into complete disaster.
But if you absolutely must do it, or if you somehow get into a situation where it’s going to happen, promise yourself that you will only hear out your ex- silently, make no comments at all, no arguments, no discussions, no faces, no gestures, no crying, nothing. Poker face only.
Remember that you are just as valuable and worthy of respect now after the breakup as you were before. Thank him/her for the time and get out of there fast.
Trust me that ANYTHING you say or do is going to be a disaster when you’re so hurt and rejected, incredibly emotional, and in a confrontational situation with the person who caused you all this pain. NO ONE is capable of rational thought in that situation… so don’t try to say or do anything.